The True Meaning of Christmas!

It's a shame that every year the holiday spirt is lost. It's not about holiday shopping or gifts, but it seems thats the only thing that people worry about. I remember there was a time that I only cared about shopping and receiving gifts but until recently I found out what is the true meaning of Christmas. It's a time that we live in peace with others, a time that we get along with those love ones that are fall apart from us and celebrate the love we have one another. It's also the time to await for the birth of this jesus christ. I think this is the first time that I won't be bothered if i don't get anything for christmas. I have something important that is always my present, my family. I am grateful that I have them by my side.

You know what I miss? I miss my whole family, my grandparents, my aunts, uncles, cousins coming together as one to celebrate Christmas. I miss the smell of tameles, hot chocolate from the kitchen. I miss the times I try snatch a tamel before dinner. good times. where have these times gone. Everybody separated, they don't even care about family. :( Christmas Miracles. I wish those were real, i would wish that for one night that all my family would gather at my grandparents house and have a dinner. When i was a kid, I practically grew up with my cousins until we all grew up and we are all now adults... Its a shame that everybody went their separate ways. My younger cousins didn't get to experience what we" older" generation experience.

Oh well. I'm happy that I celebrate Christmas with my mom, my dad, my sister and my dog Bobby. I don't need gifts to make this holiday special.

Feliz Navidad. :)

Feels Like Winter

Yay! It's finally December once again and that means, winter. In the past during the month of December wasn't as cold as I remember. I am writing from just outside the food court here at school and I think I'm crazy because I'm cold and yet I am still here writing. As long as i remember I am a big fan of being cold, for one reason, one has the excuse to hug people. I don't know what's better, the heat or the cold. My toes are freezing but I'm going to stay here until I am done or until I can't it anymore. The month of December, a month of so many things. A month before the year ends, Dec. 1 (WORLD AIDS DAY), Christmas, New Years Eve and other activities. The thing I love about the month of December is the end of other semester at school. Don't get me wrong, I love school but just thinking that it's going to end, I get excited to catch up on my sleeping. Now I'm feeling the fresh cold breeze in my fingers. I feel that any minute now my fingers will get frozen and won't be able to type. Ah. I don't think I can't stand any other second at school. HAPPY DECEMBER! HOPEFULLY THE COLD LEAVES SOON IF NOT IM GONNA STUFF ALL WINTER.. JAJAJA. I just realize, if i cant handle this weather how will i survive in places like Alaska. jajaja. I feel so bad for my friend Erick who is going to Alaska this winter. GUD Luck!

My First Teaching Experience

I never thought, that my first teaching experience would be in a 3rd grade classroom, that would change my career goals. I stood still in middle of P.E area, the children were waiting for me to start and others were just goofing off. While I stood there holding the rules and consequences, I look at my friend who was going to video tape my lesson. I had to start, I couldn't waste any time that we only knew there was only a limited of time. 15 minutes later, I was happy that it was over. I didn't know why I was so glad it over, I don't think a future teacher should be feeling like that. I suddenly I realize that teaching wasn't for me, that I had made the right decision not to do the ITEP program anymore but Track I. I had no idea why until now I had to realize teaching wasn't for me, not for now anyways.

I admit that I felt good that the children where calling me, Ms. Hernandez, however I knew I wouldn't last no more than 3 hours with those kids. Do you think it was because they were 3rd graders? I have always pictured myself working with kids in preschool or in kindergarten. I know this is isn't my last time I step in a class room because I have other courses that require me to work with kids.

My teaching experience, one word horrible not of the students but the teacher. I don't know but my friend thought that he didn't care that we were there teaching half his class. I mean, when the bell rang he took the kids and didn't mind saying anything about it. I thought teachers needed to be caring and loving but also rough but I didn't mean strict. He or she was very strict or seemed like it. Oh wow. These teachers these days. I hope my child doesnt end up with one of those teachers.

No Longer Knows How I truly Feel

I no longer know how I truly feel. I know I can't say no more because people have a way reading this blog and I don't want those to people to read this. My friends were wrong, they told me to talk but it didn't work it got worst. Now I can't stop thinking, and what am I suppose to do. The worst thing is that I lied which I don't do especially to people I care about. I feel so guilty for lying. I dont know why I lied, that person wanted to know what was going on so I made up a lie to cover what actually is happening. Damn it! I typically don't write what is going though my head but I just need to write. I look at pictures and I can't stand looking at them. I try not to think but memories are flashing back when I think. I just don't know what to do.

A Sleepless Night

There are nights that I can’t get my eyes to close, and there are nights that I don’t want to sleep and there are nights that I look up at the sky and ask myself, what am I suppose to do this is world? I never actually thought about it before until recently. In reality, who am I? What was I sent here for? I just see myself causing trouble and making the same mistakes over and over again. As if I don’t get tired of it. I know I suppose to be working on school work or studying. But it seems that I don't get time to express or reveal my true emotions. I think the night is a good way to see the real me. The night is perfect. No one can see me, they can't judge me, they can't make funny the way I dress or speak. The night is the time that anyone can be themselves without others judging. I'm laying down in my bed, looking at the computer screen and reading what I have thus far. I'm not a good writer but I got the ideas right, and that's what matters. The readers need to read what the writer is coming from and I try to bring as much of that as possible. This night, fresh, cold, breezing air are the typical nights that I wish I could go to the beach and take a walk. Listen to waves coming to shore. Just looking at the sky, perhaps look at some stars shining bright as they could even perhaps a full moon. THE NIGHT! Its better than the day but also dangerous depending where you are at. I must confess that my eyes are closing by the second but yet I feel the need of writing. I do indeed get up very early....

Gud Nite World. Yet in ten short minutes it's tomorrow.

Things don't plan out as you planned.

There are times that things don't go the way you plan. I know at first, you might get pissed off but then you let it go. There are always next time, right? Even things that you have been waiting for days for this day to come, you had everything ready, the dress, the shoes, the guy, and then at the last minute it you can't go. I guess things happen for a reason... The thing is very strange was that, I didn't got mad because I didn't go, I admit i was sad and upset but later on I got over it and just went with the decision of not going. I have other days to go out and party. I had a warmest evening, cuddle in my bed watching Harry Potter. I admit that I would had a blast at the HaU party but I think I had fun at home. I can't complain. ^_^

Loneliness

Loneliness is the word to best described my life thus far. Even if I'm surround with people, I often feel lonely because I don't have someone to talk to. I try to connect with people around me and sometimes I succeed however there are times I wish I was more open. My life has been good and bad. I have made the biggest mistakes because of my loneliness. Loneliness is like a disease that it seems that it doesn't want to go away. Since I was 15 or so, my self- esteem was low, I had friends but in reality was I a friend to them. I didn't think of them, I always thought about me me me. I'm a selfish bitch that doesn't listen to them. I think thats one of the reasons I'm lonely. Since then, I have been lying to people and to myself. I want to stop and truly make some real friends. Friends to have fun with but also to talk and to listen too.

I'm finally doing something about it. After 6 years feeling this pain, I'm actually seeking help and hopefully with the help from the person and from my family I will be able to succeed in socializing but also be successful when I start working. There are people who look at me and think I'm weird because what I did in high school. At some point I feel bad because I remember the mistake I did. However if they are just going to judge me because of that, well thats they're problem and not mine. Yeah, I did that but it was a mistake because I was feeling depressed and had low self esteem. They wouldn't know because they never got to know me. I know I'm shy but what gives a person to judge a person just because one or two mistakes they did.

:) I'm happy that someone actually reads my blog. At least I have someone who cares to read what I write. Yeah, writing is a good way to communicate but also to express what one feels. And I actually feel good, well great. I know this won't go away from "la noche a la manana" but step by step I will accomplish everything. :)