Loneliness

Loneliness is the word to best described my life thus far. Even if I'm surround with people, I often feel lonely because I don't have someone to talk to. I try to connect with people around me and sometimes I succeed however there are times I wish I was more open. My life has been good and bad. I have made the biggest mistakes because of my loneliness. Loneliness is like a disease that it seems that it doesn't want to go away. Since I was 15 or so, my self- esteem was low, I had friends but in reality was I a friend to them. I didn't think of them, I always thought about me me me. I'm a selfish bitch that doesn't listen to them. I think thats one of the reasons I'm lonely. Since then, I have been lying to people and to myself. I want to stop and truly make some real friends. Friends to have fun with but also to talk and to listen too.

I'm finally doing something about it. After 6 years feeling this pain, I'm actually seeking help and hopefully with the help from the person and from my family I will be able to succeed in socializing but also be successful when I start working. There are people who look at me and think I'm weird because what I did in high school. At some point I feel bad because I remember the mistake I did. However if they are just going to judge me because of that, well thats they're problem and not mine. Yeah, I did that but it was a mistake because I was feeling depressed and had low self esteem. They wouldn't know because they never got to know me. I know I'm shy but what gives a person to judge a person just because one or two mistakes they did.

:) I'm happy that someone actually reads my blog. At least I have someone who cares to read what I write. Yeah, writing is a good way to communicate but also to express what one feels. And I actually feel good, well great. I know this won't go away from "la noche a la manana" but step by step I will accomplish everything. :)

Lost, Confused,

There are times I tell to myself that everything is going to be fine but in reality it's not. In the past couple of days I felt empty that something is missing or something that I'm confused about. I thought if I was surround by people that it might go away. It did but however it came back. I can't concentrate in school. I avoid my school work and watch TV and/or listen to music. I know that I want to finish school and be someone but there is something else that its missing. I don't know what to think?!?! I try to be happy and be confident in myself however there is something that its not letting me be myself. The only way that I see my real self is when I have to drink something. But there has to be something else other than drinking that makes me to express the real me.

People are right, the more someone tries to make something work it never works out. Trust me... I try and I try and never works out. I try making new friends but in reality what I end up getting is acquaintances. Maybe because I'm not open, I'm quiet and shy and doesn't want to open up to other people. And when I am open, I'm too open. I rely on someone too fast and tell them everything. I heard thats bad, I need to get to know that person before talking. Other thing I learn about me is that I talk too much and don't let the other person talk. I'm not a very good listener. What can I do?????